The Gangor may appear to be fearsome with their gargantuan maws of sharpened teeth, , but rest assured in the knowledge that these are affectations. They are not unlike a general’s medals or a cashmere sweater on your world, if the cashmere sweater in question would bite your head off at the slightest display of fear, surprise, melancholie or indigestion.
Do not let that last concern put you off breakfast; competing in the ceremonial feats of strength will be hard enough without doing it on an empty stomach.
Pheleen Oliblahn Harge will be a gracious host this evening, providing you with food and drink that will appear to be familiar. However, it will not, in fact, be edible.
Not to worry, as Pheleen will provide not only a stomach pump, but will also lance the peculiar boils that form later in the evening, even after you refer to her living sofa as a “harlot,” and “not to be trusted.”
I suggest sending her a thank-you card before we leave orbit.
Try not to flinch as Babbkavetra the 498th bites the head off one of her small children, and offers you the headless, oozing corpse. When she makes the remark “Don’t worry, I got plenty more at home,” laugh politely and claim to be on a diet.
Stay away from Ragzorn’s beard.
There are things in there.
Despite your infection from Ragzorn, you will not be immediately labeled “unclean” in the court of the Kookookera Regency, as long as you provide enough celery stalks segments for everyone. The court will be pleased by these small duplicates of their own physiology.
However, you will want to resist the temptation to dress them up in little robes. The robes are sacred, and reproductions are thought of as profane, insensitive, and more than a little silly.
Do not be put off by the Grenglin Flechs’ declarations of the immanent conquest of Earth. The culture of Grenglin Fletch contains a concept of manifest destiny of an impossible scope and scale. Every planet is viewed in terms of eventual acquisition, and colloquialisms such as “When we make your planet our plaything: and: When you and yours are slaves wiping up my slime trail? should be taken with a grain of salt. Though you should stay away from salt in general as it is caustic to the Grenglin Fletch physiology. If things get difficult, compliment the host on his eye-stalks.
When facing the Acherans of Omni Ceta, remember that dignity is regainable, wealth is by its very nature fleeting, and that effective prosthesis for major extremities are all available to you.
I say this only to give you a sense of perspective.
Later today, when the widow Echling of Umuria, extends a tentacle up your thigh during tea, merely give it a forceful yet light tap in order to give her the right idea. If the Widows snakings continue, merely give the tentacle a sharp tug, and it should come off in your hand. Feel free to keep it as a keepsake, as the widow will undoubtedly suggest.
However, should you find such attention desirable, by all means let nature take its course.
Considering all eventual possibilities, the implications inherent in various outcomes, the eventual bloodshed, tyranny and genocide should the slightest misstep be perceived, the slightest affront be broached, only one conclusion can be reached. And while this act may be seen as humiliating, barbaric and distasteful, I feel that for the good of your safety as well as the safety of your planet and your people it is in your best interests to and although I am hesitant to suggest, let the Wookie win.
The Barberzan prize physical attractiveness above all else, though their definition of attractive tends to lean toward bulbous spherical shapes and copious amounts of body fat. While artificially increasing your girth is not recommended – the Barberzen have no tolerance for “fake fatties? – do go for second and third helpings at the buffet table. They will appreciate this show of effort.
When dealing with the Sinseslions, keep your replies down to simple, one-syllable phrases, as they believe verbal communication to be a waste of breath that should be used for action. Carry along a hatchet, so that when you are moved to speak at length, you can instead hack at the “diatribe post,” a wooden column they have erected so that foreign dignitaries and poets can “get the words out of their system.”
Feel Free to imbibe the Curicons’ alchohol, as it will be the local delicacy you body is able to process. There is a probably side-effect of inertia, so be sure to take along a ship’s communicator so that you can alert your crew when you are unable to move under your own power.
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The Sepch exist as a hive mind, and have a surprisingly short life span, so do not be alarmed when one expires in mid-sentence only ot have it’s conversation finished by whomever is closest. The prime minister will die and be succeeded no less than twenty-five times during your visit, and it is really not nessary to offer your condolences each time.
After the first ten, it is understood.
Enter the ALIENS YOU WILL MEET Puppet Contest, and have your puppet be a part of the AYWM live show at Dragon*Con! http://www.flickr.com/groups/aywmpuppets/
The Pickaderians are extremely sesitive to symbols, so avoid actively making a cross, circle, cross-in-a-circle, square, square-in-a-circle, circle-in-a-square, cross-in-a-square or a cross-in-a-circle-in-a-square with your hands, feet or silverware, as these are all thought to be bad omen buy these highly superstitous people. Despite these precautions, you may find one or all of these symbols appearing in your gravy at dinner. Pay it no mind, as the Pickaderians can only eat with their eyes closed. Just be sure you plate is clean after desert. It is suggested to bring Professor Snugglesworth, the ship’s terrier, along for this purpose.
Being unable to speak through yeast, communication with the Drix is going to be difficult at best. I suggest not showering before the metting, in the hopes that you will be carrying enough organisms in order to say “Hello.” You may also wish to bring along some freashly baked bread, in the hopes that it will speak highly of you.
Before talks begin with the Ethelshinn, you will be expected to sacrifice one of two sacred animals. Despite how theatening the Nastenizer looks, choose it. Though it will out weigh you by a good hundred pounds, you have a better chance of defeating it in ritualistic combat.
You just don’t have the grip to handel a Fluffian Cutesy-wootzer.
When dealing with the gaseous Wedfragh, bring you own air supply, rather than the standard oxygen filter you have used on other worlds. Accidentally getting their grand Vizer caught in your breathing apparatus is not a political faux-pas you can recover from.
Nor the grand Vizer, really.
As a courtesy, Sioban, a high ranking member of the Mencheif may offer to lay eggs in your abdomen. As they will not hatch before you plan to leave the planet and considering you are next to be among the Cheerion Royal family—who will not take kindly to you giving birth in the middle of diplomatic relations—it is suggested that you decline such a request. No matter how seductively Sioban waves her impregnating tentacles.
If any of the Cheerion Royal Family happen to catch fire in your presence, do not be alarmed, as spontaneous combustion is quite common among the upper classes.
However, expend caution, as it is known to be contagious.
The Ickerlarians have a tendency to carry on conversations with the evening meals, as it is often sentient, alive, and has been raised with the expectation that it will be eaten from birth. The Ickerlarians believe that “you are what you eat,? and as such, these dinners are some the galaxies most-thought provoking philosophers and conversationlists. They will not refuse you request for a non-speaking meal, but you will be missing out on a fear for the mind as well as the stomach.
The Totarians tend to be an imposing race, frequently reducing many in your position to stutters and stammers. While it is common in your culture to imagine intimidating people naked, this is a tact that is not advised. Considering the multitude of glaring, shouting faces that cover the body of a Totarian citizen, imagining them in even more clothes will be far more appropriate and better for your mental health.
The silicone-based rock giants of Nikinntinn have minds that can best be described as glacial. The average greeting takes sixteen to twenty hours, and a ceremonial one for someone of your stature will take no less than three weeks.
Bring a book.
Do not be intimidate by Gingram Fodicious’s immense muscle mass and definition, as he from a culture devoted not to barbarism, but to the finer things in life. Which is why you should carry a “cheat sheet” of Fodicious’s known opinions of art, music and literature. Appear ignoratn of what Fodicious deems “classics,” and he will not hesitate to pound your puny philistine body into the pavement.
If it is any consolation, he will apologize afterwards.
The Meriose have yet to truly accept the concept of other races in the galaxy, and often refer to otherworldly visitors as “hallucinations? or “waking dreams.? So try not to notice as the president’s cabinet with continually rub their eyes and pinch each other in the hopes of waking up from the dream that you represent.
They will, however, be quite solicitous, as anyone would be with a figment of their imagination.
The gravity of the Glackple homeworld is many times greater than what you are used to. As such, you will feel weighty, leaden, and bloated while on the planet’s surface. Stay away from the Glackple’s honorary sausage. While a much sought-after-delicacy, it will only increase your feelings of heaviness.
In either case, you should consider excusing yourself from the after-diner high jump competition.
The Tiffdelways’ culture is one that recognizes the impermanence of all things. Considering the caustic gasses in their atmosphere, this can hardly be considered surprising. While your breathing apparatus will protect your lungs, try to remain nonchalant as the paper your speech is printed on, the clothes you will be wearing and the very building you will be inside, will slowly disintegrate over the course of your visit. One wrong step could cause your pants to crumble about your ankles, so be sure to wear your “good? underwear.
The H’rintilthrynoids are a serpentine race, their bodies one long flexible tail not unlike a snake. In order to avoid being accused of “flaunting your arms,? keep your hands in your pockets at all times. When accepting a gift, a document, or a new pet, grip it between your teeth, as the H’rintilthryinoids do. If possible, put both feet into one leg of your pants, and if anyone points out the other, empty leg, pretend not to notice.
The Boribotons are some of the most innovative races in the galaxy when it comes to the preparation and presentation of food. It has become such an important element of their culture that only the greatest and most artistic chef can rule the planet. As a visiting dignitary, you will have to engage in culinary combat in order to gain an audience with members of the government. Do not be concerned with the flavor of your dishes; the Boribotons stopped eating their food long ago, preferring to dine on imported Squishburgers and Weyaw fries.
The denizens of Weyaw, home of the intergalactic fast-food franchise Squishburger, will invite you to dine upon their famous food, the Squishburger. Be prepared to tell them it tastes exactly the same as the many times you’ve had it through out the galaxy, as consistence is something they strive for.
Resist the tempation, however, to tell them that their “consistant taste? is one of cardboard drenched in sewage.
You will break your arm during a fight with Jucynog Duthor in a bar on Pingos. While Jucynog’s effort to hurt you may seem overzealous, you will say some horrible things about her mother.
Normally, you would be given instructions on how to avoid this altercation, but seeing as how, years from now, you and Jucynog will be the best of friends because of this fight, try to consider the big picture as she snaps your forarm like a twig.
The aquatic Docalleral spoken language has defied all attempts of translations, as the atonal singing they produce is as much dependent on the condition and temperature of the water as it is on inflections of the speaker. They also have extremely short memories and refuse to speak with anyone who cannot properly breath underwater. It is then suggested that you do not meet them at all, but rather send a polite note saying you have already met them, and that they enjoyed your company immensely.
The bodies of the Scusicians are fractal in nature, so do not be alarmed if some small duplicate of the dignitary you are speaking with pops off of the larger body to do some mundane task. The Scusicians are fascinated by beings who cannot do this, so be prepared to give long, detailed descriptions of every mind-numbing, tedious and loathsome task you had to do yourself without the help of cheerful, miniature assistants.
The Krinclops are species that places great cultural value on the mocking of foreigners, and will no doubt make fun of smooth skin, your two legs, your left hand and your solitary head. This sort of constant barrage of insults is not necessarily mean-spirted, merely a an element of a centuries-old culture
So do not take it personally when you are introduced to Krinclops ruler as “Smoothy McLeft-hand, Who Got His Head Mixed Up With His Feet.”
The minds of the Viliquay are incredibly fast, often processing and becoming bored with a thought in mid-sentence. While this may make their conversation difficult to follow, it is suggested that you merely nod. The Viliquay will anticipate your response before you even think of it, and will behave accordingly.
Miipluse is a unique world, as it a haven for robots, androids, rouge AIs and any other sort of fabricated sentient of the galaxy.Escaping persecution here, the naturalized Miiplusians nonetheless have very strict rules about who can and who cannot land on their planet. Being of biological origin, you will have to send a robot assistant in your stead. Do be surprised however, when your electronic emissary does not return, preferring instead to stay in the “Glorious Robo-Worker’s Paradise.”
When dealing with the sentient planet Maelstrose, you may find it difficult to get its attention, due to your relatively minuscule size. When you do not succeed in getting the planet to respond to your hails, do not let it bother you. Mealstrose is 130 billion years old, and as such, its stories are long, boring, and it would probably fall asleep in the middle of talking to you anyway.
The Flusians are aquatic by nature, but can poke their heads out of water for a short time in order to converse with land-based off-worlders. Due to the lack of any sort of landmass on Flusie, you will be expected to meet their delgation on their spaceship. While their ship will be filled to the brim with water, they will have constructed a “non-fish bowl” for your comfort. A little plastic castle will be put in the non-fish-bowl, to remind you of home.
The Dreeslings communicate through the transmission of viruses between hosts. Unfortunately, your usual pre-landing inoculations will make you the equivalent of a deaf mute. This may be for the best, as while Dreeslings’ language will not kill you, if you are infected by the wrong joke or declaration, you may wish you were.
On Tocline, do not wear pants. You will see other Toclines wearing pants. This does not mean you should wear them. You can wear the rest of your usual diplomatic uniform, but whatever you do, do not wear pants.
Repetition is a virtue to the citizens of Biscoush, and nothing is more important than doing the same thing over and over every day. Do not worry about whether or not your visit will disrupt their routine; their Head of Planet has an intergalactic dignitary meeting every day after lunch. On days when there are no intergalactic dignitaries, the Head of Planet has the meeting anyway, using a hand puppet as a stand-in. It has been a long time since Biscoush has had an ambassadorial visit, so do not be unnerved when the Head of Planet talks not to you, but to his upraised hand. It is merely the force of habit.
Nardinine’s denizens worship their planet as a god and consider dirt, grime and other filth to be sacred. Bathing is unheard of to the Nardininians, so it will be a good idea for you to abstain from it as well, during your stay. Luckily, you will arrive on one of the holiests of days for the Nardininians, and will be asked to participate in the ceremonial mud-wrestling. This will give you a nice coating of Nar din ine soil to wear throughout your stay.
On Soyrn, the carnivorous plant people who rule will invite you to a typical Soyrn meal. While it will be impossible for you to eat the small, kitten-like creature they will serve you, it is acceptable to put it’s head in your mouth, remove it, and then compliment the chef on her excellent preparation. Keep in mind that the Soyrnites do not cook food so much as stun it, and it may awaken before you get a chance to remove it’s head from your mouth.
Though your tongue is still healing from your encounter with Soyrn cuisine, it will not hamper your interaction with the Crawbiwah. The Crawbiwah have banished the spoken word from their culture, preferring instead to sit in silence. While this makes it difficult to know when the meeting is over, rest assured that at some point, the meeting will end. Bring a lunch. And a dinner. And a breakfast. And another lunch.
The Darlanians do not have travel as you know it, preferring instead to remove their consciousnesses from their bodies, and witness the world from a purely mental point of view. As ghost-like apparitions, they will be very interested in your dependence on your physical body, and may attempt several ways to remove you from it. It will be important to remember that the “body dematerializer device” that they will try to put you in does exactly what you might expect.
On Querylon, you will be asked to show your physical prowess by engaging in ritualistic combat with members of their warrior class. Though the Querylon warriors are only one third of your size, they are still a force to be reckoned with. Remember to aim low, and watch out for their tiny, tiny horses.
Since Ghichrilus is now a quarantined plague world, it will not be required to land on its surface. However, it would be polite to slow down and wave out the window.
The pleasure planet of Orlandeer offers many delights for the weary traveler. It is recommended that you not spent too much time in the soothing Orlandeerian Mud-Pits of Relaxation. While the Orlandeerian mud will be soothing and stimulating, the noxious smell will follow you long after the relaxation has faded.
The Jugulites will not allow you to land on their planet, as they have a deep-seated distrust of off-worlders. Despite your best efforts, the Jugulites will fire on your diplomatic vessal, severely damaging it beyond repair. As you float aimlessly through space with only the barest of life-support, the Jugulites will apologize but will not help you, as they will say that your ship started it, by looking at them funny.
Despite the damage the Jugulites inflicted on your ship, you will have enough life support to survive until you are rescued by Captain Shotner and the crew of the Defenestrize. The majority of the crew will be from the nearby planet of Furnetstrum, and as such do not pet their luxurious fur excessively. The static charge that builds up on a Furnetstrum vessel is unbelievable.
While on route to Furnetstrum, you will be attacked by space pirates. Specifically, Saucy Polly and the crew of the Black Comet, the most famous and infamous space pirates in all the galaxy. While the ensuing battle will not go well for the crew of the Defenestrize, you may be able to avoid their grisly fate by pocketing one of the robed Kookookera Regency dolls you created earlier. It should be sufficiently silly to endear you to Saucy Polly herself, and have her accept you as one of the crew. Remember, no matter how you slice it, a pirate’s life is better than no life at all.
Aliens You Will Meet will return with Season 2: Aboard the Black Comet. Until then, pay attention to this feed for exclusive audio interviews with people behind the show, videos of the live performances, and the Black Comet v-blog. For while Season 1 may be over, there are still plenty of aliens you will meet.