Jared AxelrodWriter of Adventure

“Do What You Want” by OK Go

“Everything” by Murs

Sure, you’ve discovered it’s a wonderful life. But what about that bum on the street, the cynical grocery clerk, the failed actors, the suicidal police officers, the men who dress up like bats? Don’t they deserve to be dragged kicking and screaming to the true meaning of Christmas as well?  Luckily, there’s Christmas movie for each and every one of them. Here’s 12 of my favorites of outsider-based holiday cinema:

Go

Sarah Polley, Katie Holmes, Taye Diggs and a whole host of other 20-something actors wander through Christmas Eve and the morning after to discover the true meaning of…well, drugs and tantric sex, mainly. The Christmas setting is peripheral, but it drives home the fact that the main characters are adrift without families, and when things turn to the worst—concerning a drug bust and Timothy Olyphant as a wolfish dealer—they literally have no one to go to but each other.  Luckily, even in the hard, fast world of stripclub gunfights and day-glo-Santa-themed raves, there’s still room for a Christmas day miracle. Even if that miracle is just finding the friend you had left for dead alive underneath some boxes.

A Mid-Winter’s Tale

The flipside of GO’s technicolor cynicism, this black-and-white Kenneth Branagh film shows an equally unattached group of young people who never the less come together as a makeshift family. The conceit is a sort of method-acting in reverse, as the actors learn more about their characters, they learn more about themselves. Luckily, the play they’re putting on is Shakespeare’s HAMLET, so along with hugging and learning we get shouting matches and accusations, and a director/lead actor who’s slowly being driven insane by his cast. It’s a bitter comedy, which makes its super sweet Christmas ending all the more platable.

Peter’s Friends

While we’re on the subject of Kenneth Branagh, we’ve got this film, in which he pals around with Hugh Laurie, Stephen Fry, Emma Thompson, and Imelda Staunton. I could describe the plot here, but there’s no point. It’s basically THE BIG CHILL, only no one has died, so there’s even less reason for these former college chums to be together at Christmas. It’s really just an excuse for these marvelously talented people to be funny. The serious moments aren’t near as powerful as the jokes, but casting this crew who have been friends for years as people who have been friends for years makes even the artificial elements of the film feel authentic. And any film with Fry, Laurie and Thompson is good enough for me.

The Thin Man

Like GO, this film has Christmas as a periphery element, and also like GO, it has a great morning- after sequence, with William Powel firing the ornaments of his tree with an air-pistol. A solid flick nonetheless, with Powel and Myrna Loy bantering like many movie couples would imitate and none would duplicate. Powel may not seem like an outsider, but watch how he navigates the Christmas party populated by Loy’s rich friends. He’s aware he doesn’t belong. Plus, isn’t solving murders the true meaning of Christmas? No? You sure?

Die Hard

In the immortal words of that thug’s sweatshirt: “Now I have a machine gun. Ho. Ho. Ho.” Maybe murdering badguys is the true meaning of Christmas? No? You sure?

Muppets Christmas Carol/Christmas Carol with Patrick Stewart/Lethal Weapon

We all love a variation of Dickens’ classic of the ultimate Christmas outsider; we must, otherwise how could you explain how it keeps getting remade? The Muppet version is without a doubt the most fun to watch, what with the various sidegags and Michael Caine being utterly horrible to the cutest CAROL cast ever. Patrick Stewart is a better Scrooge, though, and as much as I love Kermit, Richard E. Grant is also a better Bob Crachit.  Though, the ghosts are better in the Muppet version, as you might expect. LETHAL WEAPON, however, may be the best adaptation of the source material, what with Mel Gibson’s Scrooge stand-in having to literally crush the life out of Gary Busey’s Ghost of Christmas Past, while Danny Glover’s Ghost of Christmas Future talks about how he’s too old for this shit. Gibson’s hollow-point suicide bullet gives perhaps the best Tiny Tim performance captured on film to date.

Nightmare Before Christmas/Edward Scissorhands/Batman Returns

For a man known for his dark movies, Tim Burton sure does love Christmas. Moreover, he seems overly concerned with people not celebrating Christmas right. Looking at these films together, it appears that Burton has a very clear idea how Christmas should be celebrated, as all three films go out of their way to have main characters screw up Christmas completely.  Ironically, neither of the Burton’s titular protagonists seem to be able save Christmas, despite one being the Goddamn Batman and the other having, well, scissors for hands. Only Santa can save Christmas, according to Mr. Traditional Values, Tim Burton.

Tokyo Godfathers

It wouldn’t be Christmas without an animated special, and while this doesn’t have Burl Ives as a snowman, it does have a drag queen, which goes a long way in might book. A teenage runaway and gambling addict fill out the cast of three homeless people who find an abandoned baby. Through a series of coincidences that would be out of place in anything but a Christmas movie, our three heroes find themselves reconnecting with their estranged families. Satoshi Kon, the director, is known more for the mind benders of PERFECT BLUE, PAPRIKA and PARANOIA AGENT. But he plays it straight on this one, giving a heart-warming outsider’s look at one of the most insular of holidays.

I May Look Calm, sent from the phone

…But you can plainly see the fury of my MIND BULLETS!

The Lovely Mrs. Axelrod, sent from the phone

Every day she gives me a new reason to fall in love with her all over again.

Something special about airport acoustics

Zoe Keating covers “Time Is Running Out” by Muse in the pre-security concourse area at the international terminal of San Francisco International Airport.

3rd Annual Avant Guard X-Mas Dinner Has Come And Gone, sent from the phone.

The verdict? Pure, unadulterated awesomeness.

Everyone Gets To Be Juliet, sent from the phone

Inspired by the lovely and talented Miss Katie West, I am offering up myself to answer your most pertinent questions. These questions could be about me, they could also not. I have a wide range of knowledges, and very little compunction about sharing said knowledges.

Photo by Jason Adams

How does one ask a question, you ask? Well, I’d say you’re already off to good a start, but here’s 5 from the incomparable Shellefly, so you can get the hang of it:

1. How did you go about learning the sideshow tricks you know now?
Practice, mainly. Sideshow stunts are remarkably straightforward; there’s no slight-of-hand or hidden workings. All it takes is practice, and a high pain tolerance. Mainly the high pain tolerence.

2. Tell me about meeting JR and how you felt about her when you met her.
This is a question I get asked alot, because I suppose it’s one of those “couple things” that we should really have a story about. The funny thing is, I do not remember our first meeting. She does, however, and while the details of her story are certainly accurate, I do not remember the meeting happening. I like to believe instead that she has always been a part of my life, and that’s why a “first meeting” to me seems fuzzy. She was always there, and I have always been in love with her.

You should ask her about the story, though. It’s kinda funny.

3. If you could give superpowers to someone who is living right now and it was not yourself, who would it be, what powers, and why? (I had to ask you a superhero question)
Flight and superstrength, to JR. So she could carry me into the clouds.

4. What is something you like to do that would surprise many of your friends?
Knitting? Is that surprising? I have a tenancy to knit. During roleplaying games. If that’s not surprising, um. I don’t know. I like to play basketball, but haven’t it forever? I’m a pretty open guy, so this is a hard one.

Oh! I know! How about I’m not going to answer the 5th question until tomorrow? Surprise!